*sitting down at her desk, she pulls out some parchment paper and some ink*
I cannot recall much of my childhood, though many memories still linger on that I soon wish to be forgotten. I write this down now so that I can unburden my mind, plagued with these never-ending thoughts. In hopes that I center myself again before all is lost . . .
Too many times I have been tempted, fate setting a course for me that is not of my own choosing. I hid myself from others, from being seduced by the world, finding only comfort in my own mind. Seeking shelter amongst the shadows, with only my hatred to keep me warm.
I cared not for those who entered my life, for I only left them with a path of destruction and chaos. I remember too clearly that day in the forest. The young elf with visions I had placed in his head. Leaving nothing behind but some spilt blood and a blackened rose, that matched my heart.
There was no light surrounding me anymore. The flame had left me, growing dim, taking with it all that I remember. The light was supposed to be the glory of the universe reflected upon my soul and mirrored back onto itself. I couldn't see it anymore, and I couldn't see what I had become. What was worse was that I didn't care.
I would wander, seeing those in need as I passed them by without a second glance. I used to draw power from the light, now my only power came from my rage. Nothing was filling this void in my soul, pure emptiness sat in its place. The only pleasure came from the screams of those around me as bloodshed spilled upon the floor.
Why has this happened to me?
I lost everything, and can barely hold onto the memories that I once had. The smile on my mother's face, faded to dull screams in my head. The ice on the door froze my body to the bone, with the sounds of the roof falling over my head.
It was when I opened my eyes, barely able to see that he came to me. He took me in, treated me as his own. Spoke kind words, and made my heart melt. Was I in love? No . . . I was merely a child, and the love that is often spoken about was not something I came to know of. I had dreams, visions to help change the universe by doing good.
It was then that I accepted the light into my heart, though it quickly faded as he betrayed me and my trust. I grew weak, and gave into my despair. The pain instilled upon my heart still burns to this day. It pained me to see others happy, and it brought joy back to my heart to see them wallow in their misery. I was too young, and impressionable. He took advantage of that, and I had nothing left when he was gone.
I vowed to search for him. Only then could I be freed from this torment that is shackled to me. My emotions were too wild to control, so I just gave in. Letting them take over, as I faded away into the shadows.
The attention that came to me, was not of my asking. Many men found themselves attracted to my aura, though their deepest fantasies would always be denied. It brought smiles to my face to see them fight each other over my affection. Never once did I return it to them, but with only false hope that one day I might. The mind games that were associated with such acts, always brought them much pain, which only brought a smile to my heart. Knowing that they would never have it, and always wanting... left me always wanting to give them a little more, then take it away. I became addicted to this, a bad habit I know. I couldn't find a cure for this feeling, though to be honest, I never really looked.
I am not certain how the light has found me again, though somedays I feel it fading away, as fate tempts me every day. So easy to give in, to lose control, severing my connection as my emotions would overflow. I never trusted people though, and to this day I still don't. I cannot trust their assertions, but I judge them for their actions.
Some say that it's hard to keep waiting for something you know will never happen. Others say it's even harder to give it all up knowing it's everything you want.
I don't know what it is I want.
*she pauses for a moment, closing her eyes, taking in a deep breath before continuing to write once again*
Though I am unsure if my writings will truly help ease my mind. One thing is for certain, what is meant to be will always find a way.